31 May 2007

Theater e-Ushers

Saw this today and was mildly intrigued:

High-Tech Tattle-Tale Device Hits NYC Theaters

It's an article about how some NYC Regal cinemas are giving certain patrons the ability to page the management. So if you're one of these patrons and there's something wrong with the movie (sound, focus, etc.), you can page the management to send someone to the projection booth.

This can also be used to rat on unruly patrons, and this is the part that interests me. This is why I rarely go see a film in the theater anymore. It's not because theater admission prices are too high (they are), and it's not because Hollywood churns out utter crap in two-hour installments (it does). It's because I invariably end up sitting in front of some rotten bastard who thinks he's sitting in his living room, who can't keep his feet off my chair and can't keep his big mouth shut.

They just need to take this notion a bit further. If I'm watching a film and the guy behind me is talking back to the movie and kicking my seat, I want to push a button which does one of the following:
  • injects a harmless but potent tranquilizer into the noisy patron
  • closes a high-voltage electrical circuit connected to the noisy patron's chair
  • opens a trapdoor which sends the noisy patron down a metal slide and into a StarWars-like garbage masher, complete with a dianoga
The third option could be further enhanced if the movie could be briefly suspended while live footage from the garbage masher was projected on the movie screen. This would be especially effective in an IMAX theater.

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